I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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