Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
