Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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