In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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