Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
