What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
