Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
