I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
