...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
