Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
