An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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