We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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