apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
