I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
