I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
