i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
