She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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