i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
