Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I need water and some morals
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
