he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
