i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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