im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
