I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
