I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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