i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
