Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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