I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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