somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
