Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
