We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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