Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
