I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
