I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
