Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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