I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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