I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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