I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My cat gives me a boner
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
