i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
