every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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