I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
