Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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