Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
