just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
