So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
