when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
