I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
