She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
