I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
