He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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