Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
