I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
