my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
