Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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