"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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