how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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