So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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