Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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