Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
