I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We left an ass print on the piano.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
