Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
