Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
