did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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